Our Triumphant Escape from the Sea

Since the dawn of life on this planet, all manner of creatures have been struggling to get as far away from the ocean as possible. All life started in the ocean, and in the beginning, it wasn't such a bad place. Back then there wasn't nearly as much disgustingness in the water as there is today. There was also a good amount of space, seeing as how organisms were much smaller at the time. Whenever you or your neighbor defecated, or copulated, or died, you'd simply swim away to a less disgusting area.

Because some animals were greedy, they began to evolve into larger, more complex creatures. They began to develop eyes and whatnot. They wanted to see. They wanted to feel. Until their eyes had developed, none of the Earth's creature really had any idea of just how disgusting the sea had become, or what exactly a giant toilet looked like.

After they realized just what they were swimming in, the Earth's creatures began to feel a bit edgy, and sick, perhaps restless and sick (rick). Then one day some sea creature of one variety or another began to wonder whether the salty toilet of death was all that there really was to the world. This creature (let's call her "Betsy," and make her a her, since women are so under-represented in evolutionary history) postulated that perhaps there was something more.

For eons fish continued their miserable existence in the sea, dreaming of the day when they would swim up above the waters surface. The water became increasingly disgusting and toiletesque. Every once in a while a fish would "lose it" and leap out of the water onto the land. The fish would die in an ecstatic cleanliness unknown up until this point in its life.

Life continued in this fashion for a every long time until one day a fish with both a dream and a plan began his triumphant march into history. This fish, an ancestor of Jack La Lanne (A.K.A. "The Jack"), dreamt of living on the land like so many of his suicidal brothers. All of the other fish thought that he was crazy, and he was, crazy like a small shark (This is the underwater equivalent of a fox.).

This fish, Lil' Jacko, knew that he was not strong enough to survive on land. But he also knew that he could be, if he was committed enough. Lil' Jacko started training, then and there, to be all that he could be. He cut all refined sugar out of his diet. Every day for breakfast, Lil' Jacko would have an omelet with 6 egg whites and one yolk, and chocolate protein shake mix inside. This may sound gross, but keep in mind that everything in the ocean is covered in fish waste anyways, so nothing really tastes "good." Lil' Jacko would eat yoghurt with fruit as a mourning snack (whenever one of his friends died, which happened every morning between breakfast and lunch) and 6 gallons of fruit juice for lunch. For dinner Lil' Jacko would eat a salmon filet and a salad with 23/18ths of a glass of red wine. (Red wine does not go so well with fish, but keep in mind that steak was a rarity at this time.) He also took well over 837 vitamin supplement pills per day. To augment this, Lil' Jacko also lifted weights for twelve to fourteen hours a day and began to practice breathing air.

After years of training, Lil' Jacko developed a huge growth. The doctor had never seen anything like it before, and after he stopped screaming like a frightened child (this was one of the most unprofessional things that a that a physician could ever do, even then) he told Lil' Jacko that his life was likely at an end. Lil' Jacko was greatly disheatened by this disheartening news and decided to end his life, like so many others had done, on the land. So after saying goodbye to his wife, Betsy (not the one from before), and his son, Lil' Jacko Jr., Lil' Jacko set off on his final adventure.

Lil' Jacko swam to the shore and fought the current to crawl upon the land. For most fish the effort consumed much energy. But since Lil' Jacko was so damn ripped, he found it to be quite easy. Lil' Jacko then sat on the beach waiting for the end to come.

The end, however, did not come, not then at least. For Lil' Jacko's growth, as you have probably guessed, was a lung. Yes, Lil' Jacko had triumphed where so many others had failed! Lil' Jacko had grown a lung. Unfortunately, the land, while almost entirely crap and carcass free, was a desolate place. Lil' Jacko had found a sparkling paradise, where the rivers flowed with abundant fruit juice and the sky rained vitamin supplement pills (The cessation of these phenomena are what would eventually kill the dinosaurs). But is a paradise really a paradise when you are alone? Yes! Especially when compared to a giant crap-bucket. Lil' Jacko eventually died alone, but very clean and very happy.

While Lil' Jacko was unable to continue his line on land, he served as an example to later fish of just what could be accomplished with a dream and massive quantities of supplements. Eventually, due to the incredible amount of filth in the ocean, mutant freak fish were born with lungs not unlike Lil' Jacko's. Needless to say, they fled the sea immediately and propagated the animal species to the land.