The Sea Is in Me!

People are always asking me, they're always saying, "Hey's Mr. Sheld'n, how's come's you's always's got's so's much knowledgeableness about's the sea and the like's?" "Two reasons," I say, "Firstly, I, my friend, went to college. I went there for eight years on a fairly regular basis, and I still go from time to time. Second and foremost, the sea is in me." I normally leave it at that, in order to seem mysterious, but for you, my friends, I shall explain further. I, much like the sea, am full of salt water, dead fish, sunken ships, and treasure. Veritably! Indubitably! This is evidenced by the fact that there is almost always salt water leaking out of my head. Ask anyone who knows me. They'll tell you it's true. Indeed, my pillow has even become bleached from green to orange, as a result of my leaking! This is also why I often smell of dead fish and why sometimes, first thing in the morning, I cough up splinters of wood.

Now, I know that this must seem awful to you, but it has somehow given me a wealth of knowledge pertaining to the sea. I know the sea because I know myself and I am the sea. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. So... Now that we have cleared up all questions of my authority on the subject, I shall begin to proceed to inform you in regards to the topic of the sea and the things in it.