Thar Be Monsters: Sinister Porpoise

As on land, not all of the monsters in the sea are feared because they have sharp teeth, pointy claws, or gross tentacles. For many of them, their most menacing feature is their evil mind or their pitch-black soul. A prime example of this type of sea monster is known as Sinister Porpoise. Sinister Porpoise is one of the few true James Bondian villains of the sea.

Born the son of poor working-class porpoises, Sinclair Porpoise knew the suffering that poverty can bring. Sinclair's parents always stressed the value of education and, as a result, despite his modest means, Sinclair graduated at the top of his class and was among only 3 sea mammals selected that year to attend Yale University. At Yale, Sinclair became a prominent member of Skull and Bones, hobknobbing with past and future presidents, and graduated with highest honors.

After graduating, Sinclair went into business and learned the comforts and joys that money can bring. His company, Higher Porpoise, quickly became one of the most powerful and wealthy corporate forces on the planet. Everything that Sinclair touched seem to turn to delicious fish (porpoise gold).

Sinclair fell in love with a human woman and was married to her in 1997. For the first time in his life, Sinclair was truly content. Though they were different in many ways, Sinclair and his wife were quite happy together. That's when tragedy first struck. While swimming home from porpoise church Sinclair's parents were ensnared by a tuna net. When Sinclair heard the news, he vowed to investigate his parents' death with every resource at his disposal. What he found was both shocking and almost slightly ironic. With his vast resources Sinclair was able to track the owner of the tuna net. It turned out to be the property of Sea Fowl Tuna, a subsidiary of Higher Porpoise Inc.

Sinclair suddenly came to the realization that money was not an ends in and of itself but a means to do good. From that point on he invested his efforts and financial resources into doing good for the world. Higher Porpoise made great leaps in the fields of medical research, pollution prevention and cleanup, and general world improvement. Despite the satisfaction he found in doing these good deeds, Sinclair was unable to resist the temptation to attempt to purchase revenge. He had Sea Fowl Tuna shut down and the owners were convicted of criminal negligence and sentenced to prison. The evidence against them was scant, but Sinclair was able to use his wealth to bribe the jury and rig the trial. Sinclair was amazed by the power of money.

Irregardless, the gods of irony were not finished with Sinclair. Dissatisfied with there previous attempt at tragic irony they devised an ironic tragedy of villain origin story proportions. Sinclair's human wife Shirley fell ill with cancer. As a result of Sinclair's vast wealth, no effort was spared in treating her illness and as a result of his company's research, her life was saved without complication.

To celebrate Shirley's recovery the two set off on an ocean cruise aboard Siclair's 500 foot yacht, the Rocky V. All was proceeding swimmingly when a great explosion from under the waves rocked the boat. All manner of dead ocean life, or death, floated to the surface as Shirley lost her footing and fell into the ocean. After years of life on land Sinclair no longer possessed the ability to swim. The only other ship nearby was a passing tuna fishing vessel. Sinclair begged the captain for help. The captain said he could catch her if he had a net, but that ever since the Sea Fowl incident all tuna fishing was now done with dynamite. He offered that he would be more than happy to throw in a stick to see if that might help. It did not.

By the time the fishermen and Sinclair's crew were able to make a rescue rope from their own hair, it was too late for Shirley. Sinclair murdered every fisherman on that boat and ate his entire crew. He then changed his name to Sinister and returned to the ocean to plot his revenge. Since then he has mastermind many an ingenious scheme, perpetually attempting to harness his wealth to reap vengeance on the human race.