The Mammoth Wars, the Land Bridge, and the Founding of Skull and Bones

Long ago, before the dawn of what we would call civilization, man was locked in an epic struggle against one of his many nemeses, the wooly mammoth. For years the mammoth had free run of the earth, eating primitive man's crops, destroying his settlements, and stealing his women. All until one of man's most controversial inventions was developed. That inventions was the stick.

Though the stick was of little use in its own right, it led to the development of many of the world's most important inventions, such as the cane, the cattle prod, the television remote control, the wheel, fire, the spear, the pool cue, and the flaming spear. Though some look back on the development of the flaming spear as man's darkest hour, others consider it to be the true beginning of civilization. It is inescapable that the flaming spear changed man, and his place in this world, forever.

Armed with this incredible weapon, man became the earth's ultimate killing machine. He was no longer the world's bitch. His bitch was now the world. He no longer had to fear the mammoth, kowtowing to him, constantly fetching him cold "brewskies" and what not, all the while calling him "sir," or, in the case of the mammoth tsar, "Your Mammothjesty." Though there is no official record of the fall of the first mammoth to a flaming human spear, there is a painting on one of the cave walls at Lascaux in France depicting a similar occurrence.



Though some scientists believe that the speech bubbles were written in by vandals after the original conception of the image, mainstream anthropologists consider such theories "radical" or "fringe thinking" at best.

The potent combination of spear and fire led to another important discovery: Meat is damn tasty. People had seen animals eat each other before, but until the advent of the flaming spear, man found himself becoming exceedingly sick after eating the flesh of other creatures. Scientists believe that humans first began to cook their meat after killing a mammoth with flaming spears and finding that the burning corpse emitted a most delicious odor, burnt mammoth wool! They also found the cooked mammoth flesh to be quite delicious, and far easier to swallow. Eventually, man, like so many killer sharks, developed a taste for mammoth flesh. Until this time, the mammoths had seen their quarrels with humanity as jocular rivalries, petty pranks, and what not. But now that the humans had begun to eat their flesh, IT was officially ON. By "IT" I mean war, and by "ON" I mean on.

The humans called it World War XXIV, while their soldiers called it delicious. The mammoths fought hard, but nothing that they were able to muster could stand up to the incredible power of the flaming spear. Any child who has played "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Flaming Scissors" can understand why the mammoths tusks were of little use against the mighty flaming spears. The human armies hunted the mammoths across Europe and into Asia. The mammoth tsar, seeing that defeat was inevitable, divided his army in two and sent half to the easternmost reaches of the Asian continent. Once there, these mammoths began work on a secret project to save their race, while the other half attempted to hold the ravenously hungry human army at bay in the west.

Despite the fact that the humans were armed with the ultimate weapon of the age, their struggle was by no means easy. Mammoths weighed 6-8 tons. That was a lot of meat. Though casualties were few, and mostly due to messing around with the spears and ruptured stomachs, the human army became increasingly fat as they marched eastward. This was further enervated by a shift in mammoth tactics. Instead of making fruitless attempts at goring, the mammoths had begun baking delicious dinner rolls and leaving them on candle-lit tables for the human armies. After gorging themselves on rolls, the human appetite for meat was found to be much diminished. Though the shift of mammoth tactics confused the human generals greatly, what happened next brought them to new heights of noncomprehension. One day there were suddenly no more mammoths. They had all just vanished, and no one could quite say where they had gone.

The human army marched east across Asia. They marched and marched. Still there were no mammoths. The mammoths had fled all the way to the edge of the land, to the sea, which the humans hated and feared. They had then constructed a huge land bridge spanning the Bering Straight and escaped to what was then known as the "New World." Though their original plan had been to destroy the land bridge after crossing it, they were easily excitable, and upon seeing the wide expanses of their new home, became distracted and frolicked away. This mistake led to their eventual extinction, as one particularly intrepid and hungry group of humans crossed the land bridge and continued to hunt the mammoths for many generations. These people shall forever be incorrectly remembered as the world's first sailors. Though the mammoths' existence on the new continent was relatively short lived, they did several things which ensured that their legacy would live on long after they were gone. Not least among these accomplishments was the establishment of a secret organization known as Skull and Bones.

Our Triumphant Escape from the Sea

Since the dawn of life on this planet, all manner of creatures have been struggling to get as far away from the ocean as possible. All life started in the ocean, and in the beginning, it wasn't such a bad place. Back then there wasn't nearly as much disgustingness in the water as there is today. There was also a good amount of space, seeing as how organisms were much smaller at the time. Whenever you or your neighbor defecated, or copulated, or died, you'd simply swim away to a less disgusting area.

Because some animals were greedy, they began to evolve into larger, more complex creatures. They began to develop eyes and whatnot. They wanted to see. They wanted to feel. Until their eyes had developed, none of the Earth's creature really had any idea of just how disgusting the sea had become, or what exactly a giant toilet looked like.

After they realized just what they were swimming in, the Earth's creatures began to feel a bit edgy, and sick, perhaps restless and sick (rick). Then one day some sea creature of one variety or another began to wonder whether the salty toilet of death was all that there really was to the world. This creature (let's call her "Betsy," and make her a her, since women are so under-represented in evolutionary history) postulated that perhaps there was something more.

For eons fish continued their miserable existence in the sea, dreaming of the day when they would swim up above the waters surface. The water became increasingly disgusting and toiletesque. Every once in a while a fish would "lose it" and leap out of the water onto the land. The fish would die in an ecstatic cleanliness unknown up until this point in its life.

Life continued in this fashion for a every long time until one day a fish with both a dream and a plan began his triumphant march into history. This fish, an ancestor of Jack La Lanne (A.K.A. "The Jack"), dreamt of living on the land like so many of his suicidal brothers. All of the other fish thought that he was crazy, and he was, crazy like a small shark (This is the underwater equivalent of a fox.).

This fish, Lil' Jacko, knew that he was not strong enough to survive on land. But he also knew that he could be, if he was committed enough. Lil' Jacko started training, then and there, to be all that he could be. He cut all refined sugar out of his diet. Every day for breakfast, Lil' Jacko would have an omelet with 6 egg whites and one yolk, and chocolate protein shake mix inside. This may sound gross, but keep in mind that everything in the ocean is covered in fish waste anyways, so nothing really tastes "good." Lil' Jacko would eat yoghurt with fruit as a mourning snack (whenever one of his friends died, which happened every morning between breakfast and lunch) and 6 gallons of fruit juice for lunch. For dinner Lil' Jacko would eat a salmon filet and a salad with 23/18ths of a glass of red wine. (Red wine does not go so well with fish, but keep in mind that steak was a rarity at this time.) He also took well over 837 vitamin supplement pills per day. To augment this, Lil' Jacko also lifted weights for twelve to fourteen hours a day and began to practice breathing air.

After years of training, Lil' Jacko developed a huge growth. The doctor had never seen anything like it before, and after he stopped screaming like a frightened child (this was one of the most unprofessional things that a that a physician could ever do, even then) he told Lil' Jacko that his life was likely at an end. Lil' Jacko was greatly disheatened by this disheartening news and decided to end his life, like so many others had done, on the land. So after saying goodbye to his wife, Betsy (not the one from before), and his son, Lil' Jacko Jr., Lil' Jacko set off on his final adventure.

Lil' Jacko swam to the shore and fought the current to crawl upon the land. For most fish the effort consumed much energy. But since Lil' Jacko was so damn ripped, he found it to be quite easy. Lil' Jacko then sat on the beach waiting for the end to come.

The end, however, did not come, not then at least. For Lil' Jacko's growth, as you have probably guessed, was a lung. Yes, Lil' Jacko had triumphed where so many others had failed! Lil' Jacko had grown a lung. Unfortunately, the land, while almost entirely crap and carcass free, was a desolate place. Lil' Jacko had found a sparkling paradise, where the rivers flowed with abundant fruit juice and the sky rained vitamin supplement pills (The cessation of these phenomena are what would eventually kill the dinosaurs). But is a paradise really a paradise when you are alone? Yes! Especially when compared to a giant crap-bucket. Lil' Jacko eventually died alone, but very clean and very happy.

While Lil' Jacko was unable to continue his line on land, he served as an example to later fish of just what could be accomplished with a dream and massive quantities of supplements. Eventually, due to the incredible amount of filth in the ocean, mutant freak fish were born with lungs not unlike Lil' Jacko's. Needless to say, they fled the sea immediately and propagated the animal species to the land.

Me So Sick...

of writing about mosters.

Thar Be Monsters: Sinister Porpoise

As on land, not all of the monsters in the sea are feared because they have sharp teeth, pointy claws, or gross tentacles. For many of them, their most menacing feature is their evil mind or their pitch-black soul. A prime example of this type of sea monster is known as Sinister Porpoise. Sinister Porpoise is one of the few true James Bondian villains of the sea.

Born the son of poor working-class porpoises, Sinclair Porpoise knew the suffering that poverty can bring. Sinclair's parents always stressed the value of education and, as a result, despite his modest means, Sinclair graduated at the top of his class and was among only 3 sea mammals selected that year to attend Yale University. At Yale, Sinclair became a prominent member of Skull and Bones, hobknobbing with past and future presidents, and graduated with highest honors.

After graduating, Sinclair went into business and learned the comforts and joys that money can bring. His company, Higher Porpoise, quickly became one of the most powerful and wealthy corporate forces on the planet. Everything that Sinclair touched seem to turn to delicious fish (porpoise gold).

Sinclair fell in love with a human woman and was married to her in 1997. For the first time in his life, Sinclair was truly content. Though they were different in many ways, Sinclair and his wife were quite happy together. That's when tragedy first struck. While swimming home from porpoise church Sinclair's parents were ensnared by a tuna net. When Sinclair heard the news, he vowed to investigate his parents' death with every resource at his disposal. What he found was both shocking and almost slightly ironic. With his vast resources Sinclair was able to track the owner of the tuna net. It turned out to be the property of Sea Fowl Tuna, a subsidiary of Higher Porpoise Inc.

Sinclair suddenly came to the realization that money was not an ends in and of itself but a means to do good. From that point on he invested his efforts and financial resources into doing good for the world. Higher Porpoise made great leaps in the fields of medical research, pollution prevention and cleanup, and general world improvement. Despite the satisfaction he found in doing these good deeds, Sinclair was unable to resist the temptation to attempt to purchase revenge. He had Sea Fowl Tuna shut down and the owners were convicted of criminal negligence and sentenced to prison. The evidence against them was scant, but Sinclair was able to use his wealth to bribe the jury and rig the trial. Sinclair was amazed by the power of money.

Irregardless, the gods of irony were not finished with Sinclair. Dissatisfied with there previous attempt at tragic irony they devised an ironic tragedy of villain origin story proportions. Sinclair's human wife Shirley fell ill with cancer. As a result of Sinclair's vast wealth, no effort was spared in treating her illness and as a result of his company's research, her life was saved without complication.

To celebrate Shirley's recovery the two set off on an ocean cruise aboard Siclair's 500 foot yacht, the Rocky V. All was proceeding swimmingly when a great explosion from under the waves rocked the boat. All manner of dead ocean life, or death, floated to the surface as Shirley lost her footing and fell into the ocean. After years of life on land Sinclair no longer possessed the ability to swim. The only other ship nearby was a passing tuna fishing vessel. Sinclair begged the captain for help. The captain said he could catch her if he had a net, but that ever since the Sea Fowl incident all tuna fishing was now done with dynamite. He offered that he would be more than happy to throw in a stick to see if that might help. It did not.

By the time the fishermen and Sinclair's crew were able to make a rescue rope from their own hair, it was too late for Shirley. Sinclair murdered every fisherman on that boat and ate his entire crew. He then changed his name to Sinister and returned to the ocean to plot his revenge. Since then he has mastermind many an ingenious scheme, perpetually attempting to harness his wealth to reap vengeance on the human race.

Thar be Monsters: Angler Fish, A.K.A. Those Scary-Ass Fish with the Snaggle Teeth and that Hangy-Down Light Thingy

No man knows what horrifying creatures dwell in the deepest depths of the ocean. For that is where the light darest not penetrate and the aqua-filth is at its highest concentration. In this unholy place many of the sea's most hideous creatures have evolved. In the dark a creature's appearance plays no role in natural selection, and thus truly horrific monsters have evolved. One of the most notorious among these is the insidious angler fish.

The angler fish is an oddity of the first magnitude. It is a hideously malproportioned fish, with great, huge, pointy snaggle-teeth and a antenna with a light at the tip. The angler fish uses this light to shock its prey by suddenly revealing its grotesqueitudityness like so many Medusas. Seeing such horror after a lifetime of seeing nothing but backness would be enough to shock anyone/thing. Think back to the first time that you gazed upon this disgusting monstrosity. Were you not too shocked to move? Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

There are many such creatures in the sea. The angler fish is among the most commonly known simply because it is one of the few amongst the uglyfish variety which can be viewed without serious risk of permanent physiological and/or psychological damage.

Though the angler fish is one of the most memorable of the sea's monsters, at first glance it does not seem to pose as much of a threat as those creatures which dwell nearer to the light or are able to break the surface and walk the land, such as the highly dreaded horseshoe crab (For more information, see the horseshoe crab section).

Still, during a recent study to find out once and for all whether or not fat-bottomed girls truly did make the rockin' world go round, researchers seem to have been met with an unfortunate surprise. After not hearing from the lab for a few days and being unable to contact researchers by phone, a scientist involved in the study rushed to the lab to investigate. There he found his colleagues and test subjects all paralyzed in what seemed to be sheer horror. A robotic fat-bottomed girl suite was also found, with a pool of filthy salt water at its feet. Some believe that this suite was being operated by one of the sea-bottom's many fish hideous enough to cause such damage; others are certain of it.

The fact is that we have no way of knowing what is going on on the sea bottom. Fish could be building robots or lasers. They could be drilling to the center of the Earth for some sinister purpose, or Sinister Porpoise. They could be opening the gates to hell, or re-animating dead pirates. I wouldn't put anything past them. The sea-bottom sucks, and they must be desperate.

Thar Be Monsters: Aqua-Sasquatch

Many noteworthy monsters of the land have sea-dwelling relatives. One of the most illusive amongth these is Aqua-Sasquatch. Aqua-Sasquatch once lived among his land-lubbin' brothers and sisters in the Canadian wilderness. Through a series of unlikely, and utterly unnontragic events he came to dwell in the icy depths of the Kachemak bay and various other areas off of the coast of Alaska.

Aqua-Sasquatch is one of the primary reasons that Alaskan crab fishing is so dangerous. He is also the main reason that Jack La Lanne will no longer swim in that part of the ocean. When asked about this Jack replied, "We fought our twelve rounds. The Judges couldn't make a decision. Neither of us wants to do it again!"

The story of Aqua-Sasquatch, or Herbie, as he was once called, is a tragic one at best. His parents, not wanting him to end up uneducated and penniless as they had in this ever-changing world, enrolled him in school at an early age. They shaved him every day and forced him to pass himself of as a boy in order to attend local schools. Needless to say, because of his incredible stature and large feet he was a constant stand-out, literally, and subject to much ridicule. Though he excelled at kickball, his inability to procure properly fitting iceskates kept him from ever being able to play hockey, and though he wore a most impressive mullet, his lacking skills in Canada's national pastime caused a rift between him and his peers. This was compounded by scholastic difficulties stemming from his parents' lack of education and complete lack of verbal skills.

Herbie found himself falling behind in school and eventually fell in with a crowd of zombies. Though he obtained an uncanny repetoire of culinary recipes utilizing human brains as the main ingredient, his zombie friends remained unimpressed, and France remained a great distance from his Canadian home.

Torn between the world of man and swamp-ape Herbie began to feel that the only way that he would ever be happy would be to eliminate his human side. He ultimately gave in to pressure from his peers and became a zombie. Now a half-sasquatch half-zombie Herbie entered the happiest years of his life. He wedded his long-time high school sweetheart and settled in Ottawa. He got a job at a factory doing "zombie work," and though the pay was unimpressive, he lived contentedly for a number of years.

This, however, was not such a happy time for the rest of Canada. Zombies were running rampant all over Canada and draining the limited resources Canada's socialized medical system. The remaining non-zombie Canadians, who all happened to play for the Toronto Maple Leaves, (In those days hockey was slightly different. Each team had at least 800,000 people on it.) introduced legislation declaring all zombies non-citizens and thus no longer entitled to free health care. In retaliation the zombies introduced legislation declaring all non-zombies "zombiefood." There was a great war at the polls, Canada's largest and most violent war up until that point. Due primarily to zombie nonparticipation in events not involving the consumption of human brains, the first motion was passed by a vote of 569,111 to 505,665. The second motion was voted down by a vote of 534,890 to 535,904. Not a single zombie voted on either issue.

Shortly after this zombies began to fall ill and die due to their weakened immune systems, stemming from a lack of dietary fruits and vegetables, and lack of functional epidermal tissue. Herbie (you remember him?) thought that his time had finally come and braced himself for the end. The end, however, did not come, (Should this be a semicolon?) not for Herbie. Herbie went into a not un-King Kong like rage. He roamed the countryside eating masterfully prepared human brains and posing for blurry photos taken by hikers.

Canada was left with no choice but to call on legendary hockey hero, Wayne Gretski, who they kept frozen for just such an emergency. The battle between "The Great One" and Herbie was legendary at best and noteworthy at least. It was, at the time, the most violent and destructive war ever waged on Canadian soil. Eventually, Gretski drove Herbie into the Pacific Ocean. Of course, Gretski was exceedingly disinclined to follow him in and finish the job, the ocean being, in many ways, much like the largest most disgusting, pool of vile wretchedness that anyone could ever imagine. Gretski, knowing that Sasquatches were very adept swimmers, held his breath and watched the water until he could hold his breathe no longer. Then dusted off his hands and said, "Good enough fer me!"

What Gretski did not know is that though Sasquatches cannot breath under water, zombies can.

Thar be Monsters: The Dreaded Horseshoe Crab

All of the world's most terrifying, evil, and stinky creatures live in the sea. Since the sea is so incredibly filthy, a terrifyingly wide array of hideous creatures and assorted monsters have evolved in its depths.

Not least amongth these is the horseshoe crab. The horseshoe crab is incredibly dangerous. Its shell is bullet-proof, it is also fire-retardant and capable of surviving a six megaton atomic blast. The horseshoe crab is also equipped with a powerful tail spike capable of punching a hole in the armor of a tank. This same tail spike can also fire a powerful laser beam from its tip. Horseshoe crabs can also combine into incredibly voluminous conglomerate monsters.

The horseshoe crab's only weakness is human hair, and they are only vulnerable to it on their undersides. This makes it impossible for them to walk on any ground covered in it. This fact was discovered in World War I when the United States attempted to use horseshoe crabs as a stronger and more stylish substitute for traditional helmets, which were made out of turtle shells.

This fact is also believed to be what saved ancient Egyptian civilization from ruin when horseshoe crabs destroyed much of the ancient world. Because it was quite difficult to maintain a lush, green lawn in ancient Egypt, Egyptians took to using dyed hair clippings as an inexpensive, low-maintenance substitute. The strange coincidence is the very thing that saved them from the overwhelming destruction suffered by neighboring regions and turned back the tide of the Great Crab Invasion.

My Nose

My nose looks a bit like a ghost when viewed from below, my nose, not the ghost. I smell the crisp salty air.