Thar Be Monsters: Aqua-Sasquatch

Many noteworthy monsters of the land have sea-dwelling relatives. One of the most illusive amongth these is Aqua-Sasquatch. Aqua-Sasquatch once lived among his land-lubbin' brothers and sisters in the Canadian wilderness. Through a series of unlikely, and utterly unnontragic events he came to dwell in the icy depths of the Kachemak bay and various other areas off of the coast of Alaska.

Aqua-Sasquatch is one of the primary reasons that Alaskan crab fishing is so dangerous. He is also the main reason that Jack La Lanne will no longer swim in that part of the ocean. When asked about this Jack replied, "We fought our twelve rounds. The Judges couldn't make a decision. Neither of us wants to do it again!"

The story of Aqua-Sasquatch, or Herbie, as he was once called, is a tragic one at best. His parents, not wanting him to end up uneducated and penniless as they had in this ever-changing world, enrolled him in school at an early age. They shaved him every day and forced him to pass himself of as a boy in order to attend local schools. Needless to say, because of his incredible stature and large feet he was a constant stand-out, literally, and subject to much ridicule. Though he excelled at kickball, his inability to procure properly fitting iceskates kept him from ever being able to play hockey, and though he wore a most impressive mullet, his lacking skills in Canada's national pastime caused a rift between him and his peers. This was compounded by scholastic difficulties stemming from his parents' lack of education and complete lack of verbal skills.

Herbie found himself falling behind in school and eventually fell in with a crowd of zombies. Though he obtained an uncanny repetoire of culinary recipes utilizing human brains as the main ingredient, his zombie friends remained unimpressed, and France remained a great distance from his Canadian home.

Torn between the world of man and swamp-ape Herbie began to feel that the only way that he would ever be happy would be to eliminate his human side. He ultimately gave in to pressure from his peers and became a zombie. Now a half-sasquatch half-zombie Herbie entered the happiest years of his life. He wedded his long-time high school sweetheart and settled in Ottawa. He got a job at a factory doing "zombie work," and though the pay was unimpressive, he lived contentedly for a number of years.

This, however, was not such a happy time for the rest of Canada. Zombies were running rampant all over Canada and draining the limited resources Canada's socialized medical system. The remaining non-zombie Canadians, who all happened to play for the Toronto Maple Leaves, (In those days hockey was slightly different. Each team had at least 800,000 people on it.) introduced legislation declaring all zombies non-citizens and thus no longer entitled to free health care. In retaliation the zombies introduced legislation declaring all non-zombies "zombiefood." There was a great war at the polls, Canada's largest and most violent war up until that point. Due primarily to zombie nonparticipation in events not involving the consumption of human brains, the first motion was passed by a vote of 569,111 to 505,665. The second motion was voted down by a vote of 534,890 to 535,904. Not a single zombie voted on either issue.

Shortly after this zombies began to fall ill and die due to their weakened immune systems, stemming from a lack of dietary fruits and vegetables, and lack of functional epidermal tissue. Herbie (you remember him?) thought that his time had finally come and braced himself for the end. The end, however, did not come, (Should this be a semicolon?) not for Herbie. Herbie went into a not un-King Kong like rage. He roamed the countryside eating masterfully prepared human brains and posing for blurry photos taken by hikers.

Canada was left with no choice but to call on legendary hockey hero, Wayne Gretski, who they kept frozen for just such an emergency. The battle between "The Great One" and Herbie was legendary at best and noteworthy at least. It was, at the time, the most violent and destructive war ever waged on Canadian soil. Eventually, Gretski drove Herbie into the Pacific Ocean. Of course, Gretski was exceedingly disinclined to follow him in and finish the job, the ocean being, in many ways, much like the largest most disgusting, pool of vile wretchedness that anyone could ever imagine. Gretski, knowing that Sasquatches were very adept swimmers, held his breath and watched the water until he could hold his breathe no longer. Then dusted off his hands and said, "Good enough fer me!"

What Gretski did not know is that though Sasquatches cannot breath under water, zombies can.