Thar be Monsters: Angler Fish, A.K.A. Those Scary-Ass Fish with the Snaggle Teeth and that Hangy-Down Light Thingy

No man knows what horrifying creatures dwell in the deepest depths of the ocean. For that is where the light darest not penetrate and the aqua-filth is at its highest concentration. In this unholy place many of the sea's most hideous creatures have evolved. In the dark a creature's appearance plays no role in natural selection, and thus truly horrific monsters have evolved. One of the most notorious among these is the insidious angler fish.

The angler fish is an oddity of the first magnitude. It is a hideously malproportioned fish, with great, huge, pointy snaggle-teeth and a antenna with a light at the tip. The angler fish uses this light to shock its prey by suddenly revealing its grotesqueitudityness like so many Medusas. Seeing such horror after a lifetime of seeing nothing but backness would be enough to shock anyone/thing. Think back to the first time that you gazed upon this disgusting monstrosity. Were you not too shocked to move? Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

There are many such creatures in the sea. The angler fish is among the most commonly known simply because it is one of the few amongst the uglyfish variety which can be viewed without serious risk of permanent physiological and/or psychological damage.

Though the angler fish is one of the most memorable of the sea's monsters, at first glance it does not seem to pose as much of a threat as those creatures which dwell nearer to the light or are able to break the surface and walk the land, such as the highly dreaded horseshoe crab (For more information, see the horseshoe crab section).

Still, during a recent study to find out once and for all whether or not fat-bottomed girls truly did make the rockin' world go round, researchers seem to have been met with an unfortunate surprise. After not hearing from the lab for a few days and being unable to contact researchers by phone, a scientist involved in the study rushed to the lab to investigate. There he found his colleagues and test subjects all paralyzed in what seemed to be sheer horror. A robotic fat-bottomed girl suite was also found, with a pool of filthy salt water at its feet. Some believe that this suite was being operated by one of the sea-bottom's many fish hideous enough to cause such damage; others are certain of it.

The fact is that we have no way of knowing what is going on on the sea bottom. Fish could be building robots or lasers. They could be drilling to the center of the Earth for some sinister purpose, or Sinister Porpoise. They could be opening the gates to hell, or re-animating dead pirates. I wouldn't put anything past them. The sea-bottom sucks, and they must be desperate.